Trashflower

I haven’t felt much like myself lately. I’ve felt disconnected, lost, and overwhelmed. Sometimes I feel like maybe I feel more than other people – not in a bipolar way, but more in the sense that when I need a release, I really need the release. When I get hurt, I really get hurt. And I don’t get over things as easily as other people do.

Its funny – I can watch hours of soap operas where everyone has slept with everyone’s best friend, their significant other’s brother, and their parent – and they all get over it and get along. They forgive and move on. (They never forget, because you never know when they’ll need to pull that out in some knock-down, drag-out fight.) My local best-friend slept with my long-time on-again off-again boyfriend several years ago. And even now, if I think about it, the wounds will open right up.

Of course, the flip side of this is that when I’m happy, I’m happy. Like undenaibly, float on clouds, dance like a durvish happy. I think I’ll have more of those days in about 21 days … but for now, I’ve been trying to figure out why I can’t focus on the impending happiness. Instead I burst into tears on drive home or when certain songs come on the radio.

As it turns out, at least according to an article from Oprah, it’s because of the major life changes going on. I started a new job 11 months ago that has been in a constant state of change. I moved, and even though I’ve been here 10 months, it doesn’t really feel like home quite yet. I started a relationship with a wonderful, wonderful man who makes me happy (which, quite honestly, is a bit of a change too).  And because of all this change, the old me is dissolving… turning into people soup. And the author is right – it is scary. I’m one of those people who likes the feeling of being in control of the situation – and melting into a human puddle of goo (both emotionally and metaphysically) doesn’t fit into that need to control.

Phase 2 is Imagining – focusing on where your life is going after the change, and focusing on that. I’m ready for that phase to start. Starting…. now.