Trashflower

If you’re like me, you can probably think of a dozen things that you’re terrified will happen to you. You’ll lose your job, your house, your loved ones. You’ll crash your car, you’ll get cancer.

I’m lucky, because none of those things have happened to me (at least not yet).

When faced with a decision, I’ve always wondered “What’s the worst that can happen?”

As a teen, when trying to decide if I could call a boy, I’d run through the absolute worst that could happen scenario. “If I call him, he’s going to think I’m an obsessed freakazoid. He’ll tell all of his friends, who will tell all of their friends, and then the whole school will think I’m an obsessed freakazoid. Then, when they all think that I’m a freak, and I’ll never get a date again, and I won’t go to prom. I won’t ever learn how to talk to boys, and I’ll never get married and I’ll become an old maid!”

Thinking like that makes it pretty clear that the worst isn’t really very likely to happen. And even if he did tell everyone that I was an obsessed freakazoid, the chances that I’d never ever find anyone were pretty slim. So, what the heck? If I know that’s not going to happen, any other consequences seem pretty minor.

So, in the last month, there’s been some distance between someone I used to be very close to and I. I used to think that the world would come crashing down if we didn’t talk on a daily basis. It hasn’t. It’s still awkward when we do talk, because I’m not sure what I should talk about. Should I try to catch up on everything that’s happened since the last time we really talked? Or should I focus on the moment? Let her guide the conversation?

I’ve got no answers. But I’m learning to remember that the worst thing doesn’t happen. And even if what you thought would be the worst thing happens, it’s probably not as bad as you imagined it would be.

I’ve got a few visions of how I’d like to be (and how I’d like to be seen). I’ve wanted to have a nice, thick, leather bound book that I carry with me – full of notes, post-its, and little mementos of ideas that I’ve collected. I want to use colored pens and have pretty handwriting. (I know, I know, who cares about handwriting when we live in such a computerized world? Well – I do.) Despite having the desire to be this way, I’m not. If I start to use a new notebook, I’m careful to write everything on the lines, and to only use one pen. Each idea gets it’s own page. If there is a post-it note, it’s positioned carefully on the page, or just off the edge to serve as a bookmark.

Even in my dress, I wanted to be a little eccentric (wearing multiple rings or bracelets), or at least fashionable. Instead, I find myself wearing boring, traditional wear – jeans and a long sleeve t-shirt. On a “wild” day, I might wear a fitted jacket over the tee.

When I looked through the book The Right-Brain Business Plan, I finally realized why I was never really being the person I thought I wanted to be. Everything that they recommended was the way I wanted to think about a business plan! The stuff that they said was “boring” and “hard” for a right-brainer to do was exactly what I naturally gravitated toward. I need to use my right brain more.

Under careful consideration, you would expect me to use my right brain quite a bit. After all, I’m in marketing – a “creative” profession. But in online marketing, there’s a lot of left brain work. It’s as much about the analytical metrics as it is about creative offerings. The most creative I am is in writing headlines and marketing copy – and even that’s becoming mundane.

I’m challenging myself to do something more creative every day for the next 21 days (since it takes 21 days to make a habit). Here are a few suggestions that I’ve found online:

• Draw, doodle, paint – do more art. It doesn’t have to be “good”  art, but pick up a writing instrument and do something other than write a complete sentence on a ruler straight line.
• Dance – which, will of course, include listening to more music. (I wonder if Zumba classes count as dancing?)
• Write a short story or poem.

I may never be a right-brainer, but I’m hoping to find a better balance.

Ok, readers (or reader?)… I have a question for you. How did you decide what your calling or passion was? That thing that you eat, sleep, dream about? If you didn’t have to make a living, what would you do? (After you got tired of hanging out on the couch, watching TLC and vacationing around the world…)

One of my coworkers makes art. He knows when it’s time to go home, and he goes home and paints for hours. If he’s not painting, he’s writing (another form of art). Another coworker makes money – he runs a business on the side, and is fascinated by the business world. Some raise a family; others live a life of leisure, going dancing and drinking the nights away.

I’ve got a whole list of things I want to do. I want to be a great writer. I want to be a great copywriter, and marketer. I want to have a successful marketing business. I want to be physically fit, and well read. I want more than I have hours for, if I want to be well rested to. So… I ask you, dear readers (because I’d like to think that you’re out there), how did you choose your passion? Or did you? Maybe it chose you?

One of my words for 2011 was “calm.” I wanted to approach things in my life with a greater sense of peace, and reduce my frustration in unimportant daily matters. I certainly find plenty of times to practice calm, especially with the snow we’ve finally gotten. I watch as other drivers are impatient, speeding up just to slide their way past me (and thankfully not into me) to some unknown destination. Perhaps they’re in a hurry to see about an injured loved one. Maybe they just have hot soup they want to get home before it cools. Either way, I try to practice calm when I’d ordinarily shake my fist and give them verbose lectures about the danger they pose to themselves and others.

I’m having a hard time practicing calm today. I worked from home, and was getting frustrated by the distractions that I used to deal with easily. I’m going through a transition at work, and was frustrated by questions from my new coworkers.  The biggest issue was a project that I was very engaged in being “taken away” from me. I’d spent several hours setting up tracking mechanisms and researching the best way to achieve a goal, just to have a coworker say “I’d rather do that myself.”

Instead of looking at this as an opportunity to focus my attention elsewhere, I took it as a personal affront.

How dare she show such disrespect for the efforts I already had put in? Didn’t she recognize that it would have actually helped her if I had finished the project?

On and on my ranting went, despite all my reminders to be calm.

It’s beyond your control.
It’s an opportunity – you can spend your time on something more fun/rewarding/engaging.
S/he will wish he never said that. (Even when calm, I’m sometimes snarky.)

So, here I am, 3 hours later, still silently fuming. I think at this point, I’ve moved beyond being annoyed at the event, and am now just annoyed that I let my calm be shaken for so long by something so unimportant.

So, here’s the quote I hope to remember the next time this arises:

Undisturbed calmness of mind is attained by cultivating friendliness toward the happy, compassion for the unhappy, delight in the virtuous, and indifference toward the wicked.  – The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali

I finished reading The Happiness Project today. I won’t make the blanket statements that everyone should read it, or that it will change your life – all I can say is that I’m glad that I read it, and that I’m hoping to use it’s lessons to change my life. Unlike Eat Pray Love (which I also really enjoyed), The Happiness Project helps you to find ways to increase your happiness levels in your everyday life – not traveling around the world.

I’m hoping to spend the month of December getting ready to kick off my own happiness project for 2011. You don’t have to be unhappy to want to be happier – you just need to recognize that there is more room for joy.

If you’re interested in learning more about The Happiness Project, the author (Gretchin Rubin) has a terrific website.

It’s been an odd, sad year. I’ve lost two friends from high school; one to cancer, the other to suicide. While I hadn’t seen either of them in several years, their loss still sticks with me each day.

Each of these dynamic, funny, smart, and talented young men have left behind families of their own. They had dreams they never fulfilled – cars they never raced, songs they never sang.

I guess it’s about time to start my bucket list, and start marking things off the list. When I reach my expiration date, I don’t want to leave behind a long list of things I wish I’d done. And maybe, I’ll add a few extra things to the list for Jake and Dustin.

Instead of working this afternoon (which I should have done) , I spent a little quality time with the Inc 30-under30 article. At first, I felt disheartened. Afterall, I’m within 6 months of my 30th birthday, and many of these “kids” have already accomplished at 26 (or for some, at 18) goals that are hardly on my radar screen.

Of course, being the enlightened adult that I obviously am, my goal is not to take these as an example of what I haven’t done. Instead, my goal is to take this as a challenge – to grow, to identify what is going to take me to the next level, and to stop being afraid of the new, exciting things that life could present.

Read Inc’s 30 Under 30

Why in the world would someone post about their gastro-intestinal issues on Facebook? Particularly how they’re solving them (aka – exlax and juice). I understand that Facebook is all about sharing what’s going on with your life, and making connections. But do we really want to connect over poo (or the lack thereof)?

In our hyperconnected world, I’ve come to realize there really is such a thing as over-sharing. While I still update my Facebook status on a regular basis, and I’ll continue to maintain my blog – I hereby promise to never over-share. I will not go into gory details about my illness, or those of my loved ones or pets. If I need you to know that I’m sick, you’ll hear that I’m sick of being sick, etc. And if you really really need to know what kind of sick I am, you can send me an email and ask.

Since last I updated, things have changed. Of course, we can all say that, since life changes minute to minute. I’ve overcome my little crisis through the power of self-delusion. We’ve all heard of it – “fake it ’till you make it.” Well, I faked it long enough to make it, and I feel like the bulk of the crisis has passed.

The other biggest change is a new addition to the family. Yes, she’s a bundle of joy. But not the bundle of joy that you may think. In late November, I adopted a silky terrier puppy.  Claire is smaller than an average silky, weighing in at just 4.5 lbs at 5 months old. She’s quickly become the highlight of my days, and nights. (With the exception of the 4 am bathroom breaks, that is). The condo is now buried in tiny dog bones and squeeky toys. I never thought I’d be a purse dog person, but the moment I saw Claire, I knew it was meant to be. I’ll never doubt “love at first sight” again.

I’m also very excited about a new personal venture I’m working on. Details to come soon, but be sure that it may be something that changes everything (at least for me).

So, what’s new with you?

Found an interesting message board, tied to the authors of the original Quarterlife Crisis book:

http://www.quarterlifecrisis.com/forums/

Once I get my registration approved (hello, administrators!) I look forward to connecting with the other 20-somethings, and sharing what I have learned, and getting some camaraderie with others feeling the way I do.