-George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950) playwright, political activist

Its funny – I can watch hours of soap operas where everyone has slept with everyone’s best friend, their significant other’s brother, and their parent – and they all get over it and get along. They forgive and move on. (They never forget, because you never know when they’ll need to pull that out in some knock-down, drag-out fight.) My local best-friend slept with my long-time on-again off-again boyfriend several years ago. And even now, if I think about it, the wounds will open right up.

Of course, the flip side of this is that when I’m happy, I’m happy. Like undenaibly, float on clouds, dance like a durvish happy. I think I’ll have more of those days in about 21 days … but for now, I’ve been trying to figure out why I can’t focus on the impending happiness. Instead I burst into tears on drive home or when certain songs come on the radio.

As it turns out, at least according to an article from Oprah, it’s because of the major life changes going on. I started a new job 11 months ago that has been in a constant state of change. I moved, and even though I’ve been here 10 months, it doesn’t really feel like home quite yet. I started a relationship with a wonderful, wonderful man who makes me happy (which, quite honestly, is a bit of a change too).  And because of all this change, the old me is dissolving… turning into people soup. And the author is right – it is scary. I’m one of those people who likes the feeling of being in control of the situation – and melting into a human puddle of goo (both emotionally and metaphysically) doesn’t fit into that need to control.

Phase 2 is Imagining – focusing on where your life is going after the change, and focusing on that. I’m ready for that phase to start. Starting…. now.

Buttons and buttonholes may be considered a euphemism for other pairings in our lives: a person and their work, soul mates. Buttons and buttonholes seem to be how we define ourselves. We are the buttons that fit into holes. I am the daughter that fits into the “hole” of my mother. Without me, she wouldn’t be a mother, and I wouldn’t be a daughter.  We base who we are, and how we’re valued in the world on these relationships.

Relationships are comforting for us. They give us a solid place. As long as you have a definable relationship with at least one person (or place, or thing), you’re attached to the world. There is security. Just like a neatly buttoned shirt.

But without a button, a button hole is just a hole.

I’m guilty of trying to be perfect. Even if it’s being perfectly “messy.” When SPJB was in town this weekend, he noticed that I had a book laying on my office floor – “The Doodle Formula.” I think it was hard for him to understand why I felt like I needed a book to teach me how to doodle. Its just quick, slightly messy drawings. Its simple shapes, outlined and shaded in different ways. In his mind, you don’t need a whole book to tell you how to draw squares and lines and circles.

But, me being me, I don’t feel like I can doodle, or draw, or write, unless I’ve read a book or taken a class or watched a video about how to do it.  I’m not much of a risk-taker in that sense.  I don’t know if it’s because I’m afraid of being made fun of for a mistake, or because I don’t want to let my facade down long enough to let the rest of the world know I’m not perfect.

Just for today though, I may try to do a few things without making them perfect. Rather, at least just for today, I’ll try to be human.

So, I found this quote today when I was browsing on GoodReads. (If you like books even the slightest bit, you should visit GoodReads. Its so good.) It got me to thinking about what it means to be an “expert” at something. I’ve read all the Anne Rice books (minus the erotica series she did under pen names). I’ve read all of the Twilight Series, and seen some of the Buffy and Angel shows. Does that make me an expert on vampires? Certainly not. Does it even make me an expert on Anne Rice? No. But I know enough to know what I like, what I don’t like, and to a degree, what I want to believe.

What does it truly take to be an expert at something?

From Wikipedia

An “expert” (Audio (US) (help·info)) is someone widely recognized as a reliable source of technique or skill whose faculty for judging or deciding rightly, justly, or wisely is accorded authority and status by their peers or the public in a specific well distinguished domain. An expert, more generally, is a person with extensive knowledge or ability in a particular area of study. Experts are called in for advice on their respective subject, but they do not always agree on the particulars of a field of study. An expert can be, by virtue of training, education, profession, publication or experience, believed to have special knowledge of a subject beyond that of the average person, sufficient that others may officially (and legally) rely upon the individual’s opinion. Historically, an expert was referred to as a sage. The individual was usually a profound philosopher distinguished for wisdom and sound judgment.

Well, according to that definition, I’m certainly not an expert in anything. Not many of us are. Our lives no longer give us many opportunities to become experts in anything; we’ve got too many sources of information, too many things that can capture our interest to just focus on one thing. Not even in our careers do we become true experts, as we try to juggle all of the balls that are tossed our way. 50 years ago, a person might be an accountant; they did accounting. 100 years ago, a person might be a farmer. While they had to know a lot about a lot of things, like the weather and planting cycles and pests, all of that knowledge rolled up into them being an expert at being a farmer. Now, a person might be a communications manager; which means that they have to know public relations, human resources, budeting and accounting, media relations, writing, ergonomics, IT, and …. well, I’m sure there’s more, but I can’t even think of it now.

As quickly as things change in our highly technologized world, can you even maintain your position as an expert? Or do you find yourself thinking that 2 weeks ago you were an expert on search engine marketing campaigns, or the political election, but since the last time you were there, someone has updated the blog or wikipedia page or the world in which you were an expert.

Just something to think about.